King ofThe Hill
A Peggy & LuanneEpisode: “Back 2 Back”
ActII
Part I: Peggy Calls for Help
(Peggypacing the room panickingly)
Peggy:(hypervenalating) “Oh God! Oohh God! What are we going todo? What are we going to do?” (stops)
(Peggyreaches for the glue tube again, sees manufacturing address)
Peggy:”I know! We will call them, and they will get us out of thisjam!”
Luanne:”Can’t we just call Unca Hank?”
Peggy:”Hank must NOT know about this. Luanne, I made a promiseto your uncle that I would not get into any trouble this weekend, andby God, I’m a wife who’s true to her word!”
(Peggypulls out phone book, starts flipping pages)
(Peggyreaches modeling listings, fingers thru, and points to the reliablesource)
(Peggyreaches for the telephone, and dials the number)
Lady:(on the phone) “Apex Discovery Hotline.”
Peggy:”Yes, this is Peggy Hill, and I am calling in concern for yourmodeling products.”
Lady:“How may I help you?”
Peggy:”Listen, we had a little gluing accident just as we werebeginning to put together one of you dinosaur models, and now we needhelp!”
Lady:”Hmmm…can you describe exactly what happened?”
Luanne:(screaming) “I’M GLUED TO AUNT PEGGY’S BACK!”
Lady: “Mmm. Mm-hmm…well, that’s toobad. I’m sorry ladies, but we have NO ad dhesive antidote in stock.”(looks at a whole shelf of antidote, complete with a sign saying’Apex Discovery is not responsible for any accidents involvingmodeling products’)
“It should be available at your nearesthardware store, craft shop, or your local discount store.”
Thankyou for calling Discovery Plus Hotline. Remember, you get a 10discount on all purchases if you’re a member of the Apex DiscoveryEducational Models Club. You’ll be charged $1.99 for the first minuteof this call, and 99 cents for each additional minute. Have a niceday.”
Peggy: “But — ” (phone hangs up)
Luanne: “Now what are we gonna do?”
(One hour later, Peggy closes the phone book)
Peggy: “Well, I’ve called up all of thecraft shops, discount stores, and hardware outlets, even those inMacManurberry. Surprisingly, there is an incredibly low stockage ofadhesive antidote this time of year in this part of Texas.”
Luanne: “Even Mega-lo Mart?”
Peggy: “Low prices, but low reliability.”
Part II: Peggy Runs Errands (I)
(Anotherhour later, after cleaning up the living room, Peggy gets her purseand her car keys)
Luanne:”But Aunt Peggy, we can’t go outside looking like THIS! Peoplewill think we’re freaks!”
Peggy:”Peggy Hill will go on with her life. Besides, you are themaster of absense in this town. If you keep quiet, it will almost belike another episode where we completely ignore you for no apparentreason!” (Luanne looks confused) “Now come on! It’stime to go! Andale!”
Luanne:(remembers that she’s not wearing socks or shoes) “ButAunt Peggy –” (yelps)
(Peggyheads to the car thru the back door)
(Peggy drives the carthru Arlen, with Luanne squished uncomfortably behind her.)
Part III: Science Museum
(Peggyis marveling at a dinosaur exhibit)
Peggy:”Would you look at that, Luanne?”
Museumprofessor: “Excuse me?”
Peggy:(yells, quickly turns around)
“Oh, hi.” (chuckles nervously)
Museum professor: “That’s a mightyimpressive beast, isn’t it?”
Peggy: “I agree. I believe this is thestegosaurus.”
Museum professor: “Ah, so you’re intodinosuars, too. What’s your name?”
Peggy: “Peggy Hill. And if it were up to me,that would be called the Peg-osaurus.” (chuckling)
Butseriously, I am actually a Biology teacher at Tom Landry MiddleSchool. Besides, I joined the Apex Discovery Educational Models Clubsince my last visit here.”
Museum Professor: “Uh-huh…”(nodshead in interest)
Peggy: “In MY opinion, dinosaurs werecreated by God …”
(As Peggy continues speaking, the professor noticessomething behind Peggy’s back. He sees Luanne’s head creeping overPeggy’s shoulder)
(The professor raises an eyebrow; Luanne creeps backdown halfway, revelaing an innocent look in her eyes.)
Peggy: “…but I guess there was no stoppingthe rivaling mammals from the raging apostles.” (giggles)
Museum professor: (clears throat) “Oh,look at the time.” (leads Peggy to the exit) “Sorrywe can’t continue this engaging conversation, but thanks again forattending the Hemlich County Science Museum.”
Peggy: “Um, okay. So we will be discussingthis later, then?”
Museum professor: “Yes…MUCH later.”(spins his finger around his ear when Peggy turns her back; Luannelooks dejected)
Part IV: Jack’s Barbershop (I)
(Luanneis cutting a customer’s hair, while Peggy looks into the mirror.)
(Peggy peeks at theback of the customer’s head. She then turns around)
Luanne:(gasps) “Aunt Peggy! What are you doing!”
Peggy:”I was just observing your job, and I have decided that you arenot cutting this man’s hair as well as you should be.” (grabsLuanne’s shears)
Luanne:”But –“
Peggy:”Uh-uh-uh! Trust me, Luanne, I know what I’m doing.”
(Luannesighs resignedly as Peggy proceeds to cut the customer’s hair)
Part V: Peggy and Luanne Go to Bed
(Thatnight, Peggy and Luanne sleep on the couch. It was a full moon. Peggyremoved her shoes near the couch, and placed her glasses on thecoffee table. Luanne placed her hair bow on the coffee table.)
(Peggy faced outwardon the couch, while Luanne faced inward. Peggy had her pillow andblanket all to herself, and the chilly air made Luanne cold.)
(Peggysnoring)
Luanne:”Aunt Peggy? Aunt Peggy?”
(Peggycontinues snoring)
Luanne:”Aunt Peggy, could you gimme some of your blanket? It’s coldback here.”
(Peggycontinues snoring)
(Luannebundles her arms together, shivering; cringes at Peggy’s loudsnoring)
(as Peggy continuessnoring, the crickets are chirping outside on that calm, summerynight)
Part VI: Peggy Runs Errands (II)
(Thenext day, a Saturday, Peggy sets off to do more errands. She wasfeeling a little more downbeat than the previous day)
Peggy:”Well, I’m off to the store. Hopefully, I can have someone elseto talk to besides the wart on my back!”
Luanne:”Aunt Peggy, can I just grab my shoes first?” (wigglestoes) “My toes are feeling a bit insecure.”
Peggy:”Well, YOU should have thought of that BEFORE you got us stucktogether. It’s not fun when your own mistakes come back to haunt you,huh!”
(Peggywalks towards the car)
(Peggy drives in hercar with Luanne squished behind her again)
Peggy:”Luanne, please stop wiggling around! I cannot drive while youare squirming like a worm!”
Luanne:(muffled) “Buh Uhn Pergy, Uh Cund Breeve Buhk Herh!”
Peggy:”Yeah, yeah. We will stop for some ice cream on our way to yourfreaking job!”
(Peggycontinues driving)
Part VII: Mega-Lo Mart
(Minhand Nancy are talking to each other from a distance)
Peggy:”Uh-oh, it’s Nancy and Minh.” (whispers) “Justlet me do all the talking. Maybe they will not notice you.”
Minh:(calling) “Hey, Peggy Hillbilly! Over here!” (Nancyturns around)
(Peggywalks over)
Nancy:”Hey, Sug.”
Peggy:(calm) “Hello, Nancy, hello Minh. It’s nice to see yougirls.”
Nancy:”Indeed.” (swipes hair) “So what’s up, Sug?”
Peggy:”Well, I’ve officially started my vacation this weekend. I got awhole summer ahead to prepare for entrance into the Biologyprofession next year.”
Minh:”Ah, Biology! One of Connie’s best subjects.”
Peggy:”Yes, your daughter is one of our best students.
Butenough about me, let’s talk about you!”
Nancy:(looks into her pocket mirror) “Well, sug, things couldn’tbe better at Channel 84. Right now, we’re preparing for the annualTaste of Arlen next weekend. I’m going to have a booth next toSugarfoot’s!” (Nancy giggles excitedly; puts away mirror)“This is Nancy Hicks Gribble. Back to you, Peg!”
Peggy:”Oh, well, um…(chuckles nervously) How about you,Minh?”
Minh: “Oh, same as usual. My Kahn got apayraise at work the other day!
I also work more on my garden. There’s a special type ofLaotian flower that I’m cultivating for upcoming contest at ArlenBotanical Gardens.”
Peggy: “Mm-hmm…”
Minh: “By the way, Peggy, are we still onfor Boggle game at your house tomorrow?”
Peggy: (nervously) “Uh, sure…youbetter watch out. Peggy Hill, Professional Boggle Champ, will giveyou no less than 113!” (clutches fist half-heartedly)“Ho yeah!”
(Minh and Nancy shifts their eyes toward each othersmugly)
Peggy: (still nervous) “Well girls, Imust be going. (walks past them, quickly turning around) Ijust need to see if they have my kind of deodorant; DiscreetUnscented.”
Nancy: “Later, Sug!”
Minh: “Chao!”
(walks over to the other side of the shelf, andbegins counting cosmestic kits instead of deodorant)
(a passer-by notices Luanne suspended on Peggy’sback)
(Minh and Nancy look on)
Minh: “Poor Peggy Hillbilly. She sodistracted, she don’t know she got blond girl stuck on her back.”
Nancy: “Kinda makes you feel sorry for them,don’t it, Sug?”
Minh:”Peggy such a pompous windbag. I feel more sorry for blondgirl.”
Nancy:”Same here, Sug.”
(bothgiggle to themselves)
Part VIII: Jack’s Barbershop (II)
(Laterthat afternoon, Peggy and Luanne approach the front entrance ofJack’s Barbershop)
Peggy:”That was the best lunch I’ve had in a while.”
Luanne:”But I wanted ketchup on my fries. And I wanted fruit salad, notfries!”
Peggy:”And I wanted relish on my hot dog, but you do not see MEcomplaining about it, huh?”
(Conniehappens along on her bicycle)
Connie:”Hey, Luanne. What up?”
Luanne:”Well, not much…”
Connie:(notices Luanne’s problem) “Yikes! What happened to you?”
Luanne:(twiddling her fingers) “We had a little accidentyesterday.”
Connie:”Gee, that sucks.”
“So,um…are we still on for this weekend?”
Luanne:”I don’t know, Connie. I’m in kind of a pickle here.”
Peggy:(yelling) “Luanne! Talk time with your friend is over!”
Connie:”Well, I better be going. Have fun at work, and good luck…”
(whispering)“You’ll need it.”
(Connierides off, as Peggy and Luanne enter the barbershop)
(Luanneis cutting a customer’s hair)
(Peggylooks thru the mirror. She turns around; Luanne drobs comb)
Peggy:”Once again, you fail to cut hair professionally. That’s where Icome in.” (grabs Luanne’s shears, and begins cutting hair)
(Luannegrowls, then turns back. Peggy drops shears)
Luanne:”Back off, Aunt Peggy! This is MY job!”
Peggy:(gasps) “How dare you! Nobody speaks to Peggy Hill inthat manner and gets away with it!” (turns back, continuescutting)
Luanne:(turns back) “I can cut hair! I’m NOT stupid!”
Peggy:(turns back) “Escuche mi, young lady, but I havebeen cutting hair longer than you have!”
Luanne:”You’ve only cut Bobby’s hair all these years! I’ve cut millionsof people’s hair!” (turns back)
Peggy:(turns back) “Well it’s never too late to do somethingright.” (Luanne growls)
(Peggyand Luanne struggling)
Peggy:(struggling) “If you would just let me show you…”
Luanne:(straining) “I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!”
(bigchunks of hair fall to the ground during the fight; the customerfrets)
(Luanne turns back tothe front and clings tightly to the chair. Peggy struggles, thengives up. Both of their hair were ruined during the scuffle)
Luanne:Okay, sir. You’re all done. (hands him the mirror)
(Customer screams; hishair is completely botched)
Customer:(crying) “What have you done to my beautiful hair! IT’SRUINED!”
Peggy:”I told her she should have done it MY way.”
Customer:(points to Luanne) “YOU are going to pay for this! Forthat, NO TIP!”
(customerwalking out the barbershop wailing)
(Jack standing by theexit with arms crossed)
Jack:(walks over to Luanne) “Luanne, we need to talk…”
“Listen,you’re a great hairstylist, in fact, the best I’ve ever had…
Whichis why I want YOU…” (points atLuanne),
“…notTHAT.” (points at Peggy in themirror)
Peggy: “What the hell are YOU staring at!”
Jack: “I gave you a shot yesterday, butuntil you get your…family matters under control, you’re suspended.”(walks off)
(Luanne and Peggyglare at each other, then ignore each other)
(end of Act II)