Kingof the Hill
AConnie & Luanne Episode
WatchOut for Peggy!
Written byMr. Semaj
ActI
Scene I Car Accident
Hankand Peggy are driving in the car.
Hank:So I hear youre being promoted at the Arlen Bystander thisweek?
Peggy:Yep, Hank. I personally wrote the article you may have read in thenewspaper. But I forged one of the rookies names so I wont seemso conceited.
Hanklaughs nervously.
Peggy:You know, the Arlen Bystander is lucky to have someone like me. Ibelieve that most of the crime and unemployment rates are caused bynot enough people reading the newspaper. But I got an aggressiveadvertising campaign ahead
Peggycontinues lecturing Hank, while neglecting to pay attention to theroad.
Peggy:by the end of this year, Arlen Bystander will be driven rightinto the ground. Ho yeah!
Hank:Peggy, youve had some wild idea before, but I dont see howthat could possibly work.
Peggy:Oh Hank, you are never ever going to get anywhere with such amyopic demea
Hank:LOOK OUT!! BWAAAAAHH!!!
Thecar stops suddenly, but hits a utility pole. The impact results inglass being shattered everywhere.
SceneII Melancholy at the Park
Atthe park, it is a bright sunny afternoon. Connie & Luanne areswinging together on the swing sets.
Josephwalks by sadly. The girls stop swinging.
Connie:Joseph! Whats wrong, Joseph?
Joseph:Nothing.</ /p>
Luanne:Do you want to talk about it?
Josephwalks over and sits on the empty swing between Luanne and Connie.
Joseph:Do you ever think that something is not right in your life?
Luanne:What do you mean?
Joseph:I dont know why, but it seems Mr. Redcorn wants to spend a lotof time with me. Hes not my real dad.
Connie& Luanne look at each other nervously.
Connie(nervously): Um, noof course not.
Joseph:And Mom has been pressuring me to spend more time with Dad. I lovemy dad, butdo you think that he might be a bit of a screwball?
Silence.
Luannetries to hold back her laughing.
Connie:Hey Joseph, sweetie, were gonna go climb the oak tree for abit. Wanna come?
Joseph(sighs): Sure. I could use the work out.
Connieand Luanne run over to the tree. Joseph walks nonchalantly.
SceneIII Doctors Diagnosis
Meanwhile,Hank and Peggy are escorted by an ambulance to the Arlen MedicalCenter.
Doctor:Well, there were no injuries in the crash, thank God. But asidefrom the $3,000 in car damage, both of your glasses were destroyed.
Amarried couple with glasses. Its like you two are peas in a podinthat aspect.
Peggy(facing a potted palm): What is your recommendation,Doc?
Doctor:My recommendation is for the two of you get new glasses as soon aspossible, and think of how youre going to cover the costs fromthat accident.
Peggy:Dont worry; Im sure my husband didnt mean to distract me.Hell pay for everything.
Hankmakes an angry groan.
SceneIV Afterschool Quality Time
Atthe end of the next school day, the students leave Arlen High. Josephsees dale waiting at the front stoop.
Dale:Hey Joseph. What are you doing tonight?
Joseph:My homework. We got a kick-ass astronomy test this week.
Dale:Wrong! Youre going out with me for some ice cream.
Andguess whos coming with?
Joseph:Lemme guessJohn Redcorn?
Dale:Wrong! Its
Wait,youre right. John Redcorn!
Joseph(unenthusiastically to himself): Yipee..
Scene V New Prescription
Atthe optometrist, Hank and Peggy talk to their eye doctor about newprescriptions.
Optometrist:You two were among the lucky ones. Do you two know how manyinjuries each year are caused by broken glasses?
Hank:Are you going to give us a stronger pair of glasses? Maybestronger frames or lenses?
Optometrist:Well Mr. Hill, Id personally hate to see such a fine gentlemanas yourself risk another eye injury. I suggest you try contactlenses.
Hank& Peggy: Contact lenses?
Optometrist:Echo, echo, echo
Look,you just clean them before you place them on your eyeballs, and cleanthem once every six hours. Its quite simple.
Hank:Uh, no offense, but I think Id be better off risking brokenglasses than have my eyes itchy all day.
Optometrist:Well, suit yourself, but its not like you can afford laser eyesurgery at this point.
Hank:Dont think that I want to.
WhileHank has his back turned, Peggy removes the contact lenses pamphletfrom the waste basket. She makes a devious look on her face
Oneweek later, Hank and Peggy go to pick up their new prescriptions.
Optometrist:Okay Mr. and Mrs. Hill, here are your new contacts. (Hehands them their prescriptions.)
Hank:Contacts? But I specifically stated that Im not interested!
Optometrist:Well Mr. Hill, I have here the documents showing that you and yourwife agreed to purchase two pairs of contacts. And it has yoursignaturein your handwriting.
Hank:What?! How is that even possible?
Peggy(in her mind): Thank you, Microsoft Word.
Optometrist:Well, its too late to do anything at this point. They werealready half paid with your credit card too.
Hank:Peggy, did you–
Peggy:Of course not, Hank. Im insulted you would even think it.Besides, you tend to forget at least one thing when youre dealingwith so many things at the same time.
Hank:But–
Optometrist:Look, its no big deal. Just try them out for ten days, and ifyou dont like them, we will cancel any future subscriptions, andswitch straight back to your frames. Of course, I still think lasersurgery would be a good option for you two.
Hank:No.
Later,Peggy and Minh are sitting at the table over a cup of tea.
Peggy:So, how do you like my new contacts?
Minh:You look younger than you normally do?
Peggy:What does that mean?
Minh:Never mind. You look fine.
Peggy:I know. I got the blue contacts, because I believe blue symbolizespurity and reliability. Im the most reliable person I know.
Minh:Whatever. (sips coffee)
Peggy:I wonder how Hank is doing with his contacts.
Outin the alley, Bill, Boomhauer, and Dale keep quiet while they noticeHanks new contact lenses.
Bill:So Hank, what color are your lenses?
Hank:I wanted brown, to match my own eye color, but they were all out.
Bill:What color are they now?
Hank(sighs): Gray.
Briefsilence.
Bill,Boomhauer, and Dale all laugh out loud.
Dale:The tears of a clown!
Asthe men continue laughing, Hank just walks away.
Hank(muttering under his breath): Jackasses.
SceneVI Wheres Joseph?
Afterschool, Connie rings the doorbell at the Gribbles house.
Connie:Hi, Mrs. Gribble. Is Joseph home?
Nancy:No. No hes not, Sug.
Connie:Do you know when he will be back?
Nancy:He will be back as soon as you see that hes back. In themeantime, hes spending time with Mr. Gribble, because hes hisreal dad. Hes his real dad! His real dad! Do you hear me Sug?!
Connie:Sure. But I–
Nancyslams the door. Connie scratches her head.
SceneVII Trouble with Contacts
Thenext day at Strickland Propane, Hank tries to make some sales withhis new look.
Hank:These grills require only 72 ounce tanks, and are guaranteed aneasy step-by-step operation system.
Thecouple looks questioningly at Hank.
Woman:Your eyes
Man:Theyre sogray.
Hank:Yes, I know. Theyre my contacts.
Woman:Of course. Actually, were not interested in a grill right now.
Thecouple exits the building.
Hank(to himself): That was the fourth time today.
Theother employees start snickering behind Hanks back.
Buck:What seems to be the problem? Hank, what on Earth happened to youreyes?
Hank:Its my contacts, Sir. My wife got them without my permission,and now Im stuck with them.
Buck:Just wear your frames, ol top! The way you look, everybody willbe playing the fool!
Hankgroans.
Laterthat day, Peggy is baking some cookies. While she is unloading thecookies from the oven, Hank walks into the kitchen.
Hank:Peggy, can we talk?
Peggy:Sure, Hank.
Hank:I dont think I like my contacts. Aside from the eye color, itsmore of a pain to keep up with than my glasses.
Peggy:On the contrary Hank, Ive saved our lives from the next carcrash you put us thru. If anything, you should be thanking me.
Hank:Look, not only did I not cause the car crash, but
Peggy:Menthey never take responsibility for anything.
Peggyremoves her oven mitts as she places the cookies onto a large cookieplate.
Hankjust leaves the kitchen feeling quite frustrated.
SceneVIII Lost My Joseph
Asthe group heads out to the van, Nancy calls Bobby inside for amoment.
AsBobby is sitting in a chair, Nancy talks from behind him, placing herhands on his shoulders.
Nancy:Bobby, Sug, just make sure you remain a loyal friend to Joseph aslong as you can. You understand?
Bobby:Um, no problem, Mrs. Gribble.
AsNancy speaks, some of her blonde hair swishes into Bobbys face.
Nancy:Joseph may be awkward, unruly, and may secretly have anillegitimate father, but hes still my son, and Ill always lovehim.
Bobby:Really, its no problem. I–
Nancywalks in front of Bobby and gives him a big hug. Bobbys face issquished between Nancys breasts.
Nancy:Thank you Bobby for being Josephs best friend.
Shegives him a big kiss on the forehead.
Bobby(muffled): NO!!!!!!!
Thatafternoon, Connie is waiting on the Hills front stoop. Luannescar pulls into the driveway. Luanne gets out of the car and to thefront door.
Luanne:Hi Connie? Whats the matter?
Connie:I havent seen much of Joseph lately.
Luanne:Im sure hell be around soon. Hes gotta beat thisdepression before it beats him.
Connie:Yeah, I guess youre right. I hope hes turning out okay withBobby, Mr. Gribble, and Mr. Redcorn.
Atthe park, Bobby, Joseph, Dale, and John Redcorn spent some timetogether at the baseball diamond.
Dalepitches the ball, and Bobby swings. The ball bunts to the right andpast first base.
Dale:Yee-haw! Look at that ball go!
Josephtakes Bobbys place at the batting base. John Redcorn takes Dalesplace at the pitchers mound.
John:Okay, Joseph. Youre up to bat.
Joseph:Um, Mr. Redcorn. Youre a cool dude and all, but if itsalright, I just want to play this round with Bobby.
John:But I dont understand, Joseph. Are you not having a good time?
Joseph:Yeah. But Ive just had a lot going on lately. I need time tothink about stuff.
Johnhangs his head.
Dale:Well, looks like you and me, John.
John:You go ahead, Dale. I need a moment alone.
Dale:Okay. Ill be warming up in the meantime.
Dalewalks to the vacant part of the field. John looks over at Joseph andBobby playing ball.
John(to himself): Son. (sheds a tear)
(end ofAct I)